How to Calm a Crying Baby (I'm Learning!)

For the first two weeks of his life, Judah barely cried. When he did it absolutely wrung my heart because I knew he was really bothered. The doctor's visit where they did a follow-up PKU test that involves pricking his heel and squeezing out a significant amount of blood.... Judah absolutely wailed and I about died. The motherly protection instinct is really strong.

Then week three started, and Judah found his voice. Or rather, his cry. As a result, this week has been significantly harder. Before he slept most of the time and had short periods when he was awake and looking around with wide eyes and his mouth puckered into a tiny and adorable little "o". This week he sometimes wakes up crying. He's awake for longer and has periods where he's just fussy. He's been changed, fed, burped, and he has his paci, but he just is mad at the world and crying. A few times that has moved into the nearly-inconsolable range.  Add that on to the fact that he got up every two hours for a couple of nights.... and I have had some days when I'm just one tired mama.

So, I'm really glad that just before all of this started I finished reading The Happiest Baby On The Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Baby Sleep Longer. It's by a pediatrician and most of it is just common sense... there's nothing truly new about it. But really, when you're a new mom and trying things out for the first time, I'm finding it helpful to skim things again and again to remind myself of small things. I only wish people would put things in article or blog post form instead of these overly-explained books. In this book Dr. Karp has this evolutionary theory and lets face it, he's a pediatrician and evolotionary theory should not be his expertise... but the practical aspects of his theory are great.

The book is really about calming kids with colic, and Dr. Karp presents five things that if you do all together, should calm a kid who is crying for seemingly no reason. Most kids who aren't colicky calm without using all five principles, and that's true of Judah so far.

First thing... swaddling. My family didn't really swaddle growing up, but cultures around the world swaddle, and I noted that the most skilled moms in our church nursery could magically calm frantic babies when they swaddled them. They taught us how to swaddle at our childbirth class, but let me tell you, no one can swaddle like hospital nurses. I find the regular receiving blankets to be a total failure for swaddling, but those nurses made it work. I'm super glad for the  miracle blanket, and that's what I use most often to wrap up Judah. He is generally more calm when he's swaddled, but often I have to use a few other tricks when he gets fussy.

Point two.. sucking. Some things I've been reading say that babies need a certain amount of time sucking. Not sure I buy that. I do think that when you let a baby have a pacifier, you train them to look for it and maybe be dependant on it. At the same time, I agree with Dr. Karp that sucking is so calming for a baby - the safest and happiest place for a baby is breast-feeding, and a pacifier imitates that. When my little man is getting restless and fussy, sometimes a pacifier is just what he needs to help him calm down or drift off to sleep. At nights my general method is to make sure Judah is calm, and then to swaddle him and give him the pacifier. Usually that's enough to help him get to sleep...

Point three - side or stomach. Dr. Karp says that although you should never put a baby to sleep on their stomach  in a crib(increased danger of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), when a baby is frantic they often need to be on their stomach or side. Judah sleeps faster and deeper when we put him on our chests - he snuggles into the warmth, heartbeat, and familiar scent and can sleep for hours as we watch a movie or read. Dr. Karp has several recommended positions and holds that can help calm a crying kid.

Point Four - bouncing or rocking. We tend to gently rock infants, but actually when they're frantic they need firm pats or fast rocking to distract them. This one is amazing to me. Judah loves to be patted on the butt - when he's frantic I pick him up and hold him tightly to my chest while firmly patting him on the butt and shushing (see the next point), and he almost always quiets. Same thing goes with the stroller or a moving car - the white noise and the constant shaking calms his crying. Just last night was one of those three moments I've had when Judah was totally inconsolable. We decided to head out to dinner anyways and so put him in the carseat. He was WAILING, and I jumped in beside him as Isaac drove, shushed him and let him feel my hand against his face. It took a few minutes, but once the motion of the car and the sound of my shushing sunk in, he drifted off to sleep super quickly. Also, Judah has rejected the swing we borrowed, but he loves the little vibrating bouncer. He sleeps longer in the bouncer than he does in his bed, and he wakes up if I turn off the vibration. The biggest problem with this concept, in my opinion, is that if the baby cries in the middle of the night when you're exhausted, the last thing you want to do is vigorously walk, bounce, etc.

Point Five - Shushing. Here again, we tend to gently and sweetly sing and shush babies, and this is great when Judah is awake and wide-eyed. At those points he locks in and loves the songs. However, when Judah is frantic I've been using Dr. Karp's theory that babies need really loud noises that overpower their own decibel level and imitate the loud noises of the womb (combination of lungs, heart, and digestive system always swooshing and gurgling). So yesterday just before putting Judah in the car seat as I was walking him in the bedroom, I saw my mom's hair dryer and turned it on - Judah quieted down. Other times I'll stand in our kitchen and turn the vent fan on our microwave on high, again, Judah quiets down. In the morning when I need to get ready, I can put Judah in his bouncer in the bathroom and between the vibrations and the white noise of the shower or the sink - he's amazingly calm.

So - I'm learning. He's more work this week than the last few weeks, and I'm constantly experimenting to see what he needs and what comforts him.

Successful Christmas Baking Recipes

Over the past few years I've been attempting to make a few recipes my own so that I end up with my own stash of tried and true recipes. Last year I sorted all potential Christmas cookie recipes and put them in a stash - this year thanks to having my mom and three sisters in town, we had a cookie and candy baking extravaganza and tried a bunch of them.

The favorite, by far, though we used walnuts instead of peanuts:

Chocolate Peanut Toffee

Gourmet Magazine

December 2007

Yield: Makes about 3 pounds

Active Time: 45 min

Total Time: 1 3/4 hr

4 sticks (1 pound) unsalted butter, cut into pieces

2 cups sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
4 cups whole cocktail peanuts plus 1 cup chopped (1 pound 10 ounces)
7 to 8 ounces 70%-cacao bittersweet chocolate, finely chopped
Equipment: a 15- by 10- by 1-inch baking pan; a candy thermometer; a metal offset spatula

Butter baking pan and put on a heatproof surface.
Bring butter, sugar, and salt to a boil in a 4- to 5-quart heavy pot over medium-high heat, whisking until smooth, then boil, stirring occasionally, until mixture is deep golden and registers 300°F (hard-crack stage) on thermometer, 15 to 20 minutes.
Immediately stir in whole peanuts, then carefully pour hot toffee into center of baking pan. Spread with spatula, smoothing top, and let stand 1 minute, then immediately sprinkle chocolate on top. Let stand until chocolate is melted, 4 to 5 minutes, then spread over toffee with cleaned spatula. Sprinkle evenly with chopped peanuts, then freeze until chocolate is firm, about 30 minutes. Break into pieces.

My dad requested peanut brittle, claiming that toffee tastes like burnt butter but peanut brittle is SO good. The recipe we tried was  okay, but the brittle was sticky and not as crispy as we'd hoped. We also tried fudge and are still on the hunt for a better recipe. We tried a sugar cookie recipe and it failed, but that may have been because we used bad crisco. Since sugar cookies are absolute ESSENTIAL, we tried again using a recipe our roomies had already tested and approved... it's Alton Brown's recipe from the Food Network, and you can find it here.

From christmas

My other favorite is one I tried last year and LOVED, and it's a favorite for people who love coffee and chocolate! Chocolate Espresso Snowcaps, from Martha Stewart. We also did Chocolate Mint Cookies, which look similar to the Martha Stewart cookies but are different.

The last and easiest are the Chocolate Peanut Butter Balls (otherwise known as Buckeyes), which was about the same as this recipe, except I bought an easy microwavable dipping chocolate thing.

Then we did one more thing, which I gathered from a few recipes that suggested various similar things. Peppermint icecream is seasonal, and you may as well take advantage of it! We bought an oreo crust, put in a layer of peppermint ice cream and refroze it, and then topped it with fudge and then whipped cream. So... Peppermint Ice Cream Pie. Yum.

When we looked at our holiday cookie trays we realized we had a whole lot of chocolate things.... and sugar cookies. So what are other holiday cookies (that are actually good!) that aren't chocolate? I thought of gingerbread cookies... that's a potential!

From christmas

Naming my son...

My son's name is Judah. Since I've known Isaac he's wanted to name his sons from the names of the sons of Joseph. I love the name Judah, and I also love Levi and Asher, but Isaac really wanted Judah for his first son since Judah is the leader of the 12 tribes. It used to be a pretty unique name, and most people still say they've never heard it before, and a lot of people who even grew up in the church just can't place where the name comes from in the Bible. However, among evangelicals the name is exploding in popularity... I have four friends with baby Judah's...

Like I said, I love the name Judah. However, when you put Judah with our last name you come up with a nickname that is pretty obviously funny, so I held off for ages before giving in and saying I'd be okay with naming our son Judah. I don't usually use our last name on here so I can't fully explain that, but just take my word for it when I say that I still wonder if I'll regret that decision!

On the other hand, I absolutely love some things about naming the little guy Judah. Isaac read the passage in which Joseph blesses all of his sons, and in Hebrew he actually calls Judah his "lion cub". This is completely adorable and we've taken to using the same Hebrew phrase, which in English sounds like gur aryeh yehuda. Our little lion cub. It fits him. The past week or so he's become some much more vocal, and he sounds like a lion cub... little grunts and growls like a little cub or puppy... it's adorable and hilarious.

I love that Judah, as the leader brother and the leading tribe, is the one through whom Jesus is to come, and that Jesus is called the "lion of the tribe of Judah". I hope that the picture of a lion fits my son - that he is bold and courageous. I hope it fits Judah like Isaac's name fits Isaac - he absolutely is filled with "laughter".

Of course, every infant is nicknamed everything under the son. I find myself using all the nicknames my mom used when we were little - Peanut, Buster Brown, sweetheart, etc. My mom calls him "little prince". I'm sure there's many more to come!

Christmas with four generations

It has been wonderful and kind of insane having my whole family in town for Christmas. Most of them stayed in a one bedroom apartment that someone at my work uses when he's in town but didn't need for most of this month. We have been alternating between packing our whole family into that place for dinner (and the kids sleep on a pull out couch and the floor), and having them over to our place and packing out our little apartment and invading our roomate's space (they've been so gracious).

That is the craziness I expected. It got crazier when one set of grandparents (now great grandparents) decided they wanted to come join the family and meet their great-grandson. They're staying at a hotel but aren't comfortable driving around, so they're picked up each morning and shuttled around. Then my other grandpa decided he felt the same way, and he spontaneously decided (literally, this was just a few days ago) he would come down too (from Montana - note that we live in Texas), and so he hopped in his RV. He can't find new parking spaces for his RV each time we drive anywhere so he's also being shuttled around, as well as making frequent trips to his RV to feed and entertain his two hyperactive German Shorthair hunting dogs that travel with him.

So yeah, it's sort of insane. Especially when we're also adjusting to the rhythm of an infant's feeding and eating schedule, so I'm doing things like feeding Judah in restaurant bathrooms before we drive out to try to catch up with the rest of the family as we go driving to see Christmas lights.

It's also sort of amazing. I've gone four years without seeing my grandparents at some points in my past. I didn't know if my parents would meet their grandson this year, and so the fact that my whole family managed to make it here this December, AND all the grandparents came too? Truly amazing. A little stressful at moments, but amazing.

As I write it's the evening of Christmas, and today was pretty amazing. We brought out little Judah dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, one of the few things I actually bought for him (we were given so much!) months ago. My family filled the little apartment and the rounds of food and coffee and apple cider and gifts and stockings and pictures were so fun and festive. The precious moments, though, were the quiet hours in the morning when we gathered around and read the Christmas story and talk. My family has a tradition of giving "gifts for Jesus", of something we wish to "give" to him in our lives this year. It's usually more of a New Years resolution-ish thing, but something that we want to work on in our lives this year for His glory and in obedience to Him. This is special, because you always see amazing things in what God is doing in each of our family members' hearts, and I'm always so humbled by the quiet faith that is in my whole family, from parents on down. This year, of course, I get teary very easily over the Christmas story, because what childbirth and a newborn baby is like is very real to us right now, and the fact that we celebrate the birth of a baby that is the Messiah, God incarnate.... as a baby like my Judah... it is surreal.

Having my grandparents here was extra-special. They've never taken part in this little ritual with us, and honestly sometimes I think that our family is kinda crazy compared to my grandparent's and extended family's regular American lives. And yet.... my one grampa spoke up and barely got through talking about how precious it is to them to be with family, and how proud they are of us before he was overwhelmed by tears. This is a self-made man that my dad didn't see cry in his entire childhood - it's amazing how age brings a sort of childlike tenderness sometimes. My other grampa is an independent, brusque outdoors man, and it meant a lot that he came here at all. Then to see him get emotional as he talked about how lonely the holidays have been since my grama died.... and to see him just quietly BE with our family.... so special. And my grama, to watch her hold her great grandson with such great delight and wonder....

As the four generations interact, we've discovered that Isaac and I both had great grandparents that immigrated to Canada, took the train to the end of the line and settled in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan, and then moved to the US. How crazy is that? Of all places, Moosejaw. It turns out both sets of Grandparents met in college, got married the same year, had their first kid two years later, and had four kids in all. Weird, right? Turns out neither set of grandparents really remember how he proposed! That really cracks me up - are proposals a much bigger deal nowadays?

In any case, I wanted to take my first quiet moment in a long time to write about this, because in the future I'll look back and remember what it was like to have this first Christmas with my son, AND to have my three grandparents here. I'm so glad we're taking pictures, and one day Judah and his siblings can look and them and we can tell the stories of this Christmas in a tiny apartment with all the quirks of generations interacting.

Notes from the past weeks...

- One of the most enduring hospital moments in my mind is this middle-aged Indian nurse saying in a thick Indian accent, "Oh, you want more sexy panties?" Hah... one of the many classy hospital products you're sent home with are these awesomely uncool mesh panties meant to hold industrial-sized hospital pads for post-delivery recovery (which, I discovered, is like a heavy period on crack). The Indian accent, the middle aged nurse referring to them as "sexy panties"... both Isaac and I had a good laugh.

Incidentally, 50% of the nurses were international - my nurses were from the Philippines, Vietnam, India, and the one manning the desk was British. All of the Texan nurses-in-training that came around were very overweight. I leave you to your own conclusions on that. The nurse from Vietnam was a refugee who came here as one of the boat people when she was 22. She sponsored 10 brothers and sisters to come also and never saw her parents again. When I told her I work with refugees from Myanmar she gave this inspiring speech about doing it all over again if she had the chance, and how this is the best country in the world and how hard work can get you anywhere.

- We went and saw The Voyage of the Dawn Treader for my little brother's 16th birthday. It was okay, at least we were spared cheesy romance of the last Narnia movie. I think it's impossible to catch the depth of the books, but for kids movies they are okay. I must say, though, that Edmund is looking increasingly like Joe Jonas. After the movie this tiny white-haired old lady stopped at our group and gushed, "Wasn't that just wonderful? I'm going to go home and read the books, and I'm going to watch it again if I live long enough!" So cute. Matt was on cloud nine to be the center of attention on his birthday, and told me this morning that he was feeling nervous about being 16 and being taller.

- Favorite baby product so far? The miracle blanket. The nurses demonstrated how swaddling calms a newborn, and I'm sold. When Judah is fussy I always swaddle him and he nearly always quiets and sleeps longer, and nothing swaddles like the miracle blanket. Love it and highly recommend it. We've also been using a pacifier, which is a break with my family tradition - mom never let her kids have them. We'll have to figure out when we want to wean him off of it, but it really is so calming for him, I love it. Also loving the pack-n-play with a changing spot on it, and I use my rocker and boppy every night for nursing. I use this diaper stacker to stack everything in, and the changing mat it came with fits right into our changing spot.

- One product I'm not sure about? Well, this isn't so much the product, really, (I actually have a cute cover that I love) but I'm not sure about the whole breast-feeding with a cover thing. I'm doing it... every day. I left the house the day after we came back from the hospital and have been out and around almost every day. If I tried to work around Judah's feedings I would only be able to leave the house for one-hour stints, which doesn't work for anything, not even doctor's visits, let alone shopping, airport runs, church, my brother's birthday party... So... I've given in to the necessity of feeding in public, with as much modesty as possible. It's still uncomfortable for me though... I would definitely prefer to feed in private.

- I wondered how weight loss would be for me after pregnancy. I have, once again, inherited great genes from my mother, who ended every pregnancy weighing less than she started them, and after the sixth child had doctor's orders to work to gain weight. It's a strange thing to deliver a baby and immediately have this huge lump gone... but then the next day to look in the mirror and realize you still sort of look the same as you did six months pregnant. Then it's an amazing thing to realize that every day you wake up and look in the mirror and find yourself thinner - very strange to see the body undergoing such quick transformation! I feel great right now, but when I tried my pre-pregnancy jeans I discovered that I still have to work on this waist, and have about 10 lbs to lose. I'm not worried about it - between going on walks with Judah and breast-feeding, I expect it'll be fine.

- I also wondered how it would go with post-partum emotions and mood swings. I have a theory that women who have a strong emotional reaction to the hormones of PMS are the same women who react most emotionally to birth control and the hormones of pregnancy and birth. I don't usually have a big emotional response, but I was still prepared for whatever came after the birth. Sure enough, maybe four days after Judah was born God turned on the tear faucet. I wasn't feeling depressed, just .... emotional. A sweet song played... I cried. We accidentally sent the car seat in my mom's car when she drove out of state and we were unable to go to the Seminary Christmas chapel - I get teary all day. Most of all, in the middle of the night when I'm trying to figure out whether to let Judah fuss himself to sleep or to rock him, he lays there fussing and I lay there crying too, totally unable to handle my own kid's tears. I was prepared for all of that and knew that it was just hormones, and each of these instances wasn't a big deal in and of itself. Isaac, on the other hand, was floored and said I probably cried more in those three days than in the rest of our marriage combined (that's possible). I think it's mostly past, but I have intentionally put off intense discussions for a few weeks until I know I'm more stable!

- I'm still finding this whole motherhood thing to be just magical. Watching Isaac snuggle with him and coo over him is really heart-melting. It's funny how much I love watching Isaac with him and Isaac is amazed watching me with him. We see new sides to each other. Seeing that Judah knows my voice and calms when I talk to him and hold him is such a crazy thing - this little being is mine and knows me and is dependant on me. I know his cries and needs better than anyone, and when he has milk dripping off his chin and is milk-drunk and happy - I just can't believe it.

- Judah getting much more vocal now. He still isn't a huge crier, but he's very grunty and moany, like a little bear cub or something. Adorable. :) As my family gathers it's so fun to have them meet him one by one. I love having Aunt Joy help me give him a bath, have my mom get him to smile, my Dad make faces at him, my sister-in-law snuggle him and want one of her own..  these weeks are a gift.

Birth Story

I guess I should write about this birth before the details begin to slip my mind!

As the due date approached I attempted to remain patient but it's hard... when you're just waiting for immanent life change that you can't predict! My little brother kept telling all of us that of course Judah wasn't coming yet, it wasn't his due date. His was the last remaining predicted date... and as it turns out, my punctual little son started his way into the world just after midnight on his due date.

The day before we did a little Christmas shopping and then went up to Plano to a little shopping center that was having a Christmas tree lighting celebration, all free. Petting zoo, carriage rides, Santa, etc. We were enjoying it until we froze, at which point we ran to grab dinner and got back after the Christmas tree lighting but in time to get the last cookies and hot chocolate from the now-abandoned treat station. Then we ran, shivering, through the cold and back to the car. Could it be that my uncontrollable shivering is what moved me into labor?

In any case, I went to bed that night very uncomfortable, as I had  been for the last few nights... or weeks. I actually think I probably had been experiencing contractions but I didn't know what they felt like and so would discount them. I'd heard you could feel the tightening on the outside of the belly by just putting your hands there, so when I couldn't feel that I decided they weren't contractions.

However, as usual I fell asleep early while Isaac stayed up watching his shows on Hulu next to me. I woke up at midnight as he was putting the computer away, and as I lay there in the dark trying to get back to sleep I started to feel the same discomfort and pain that I had been feeling, except more clear and intense and in waves. I was pretty quickly wide awake, still not sure I was actually having contractions but also aware that I wouldn't be able to sleep now that I thought they could be! So I got up, took a shower, blow-dried my hair, and prepped for either an impending birth or church in the morning. By the end of that I was pretty sure they were contractions, and was surprised to find that while they were intense, they were pretty much the same as the four or five episodes of intense cramps I had when I was a teenager. Not fun, but something I could fight through.

I woke Isaac up and told him I thought was having contractions, and initially he was so groggy that he just nodded and said that was good and looked completely phased out. As I continued to describe them to him and then when I had him time them for me and they were 7 minutes apart, suddenly he was wide awake and revved up. We called the doctor on call, who told us to go ahead and come to the hospital, and then we called my mom and told her we were going to head that way. It was a strange thing to feel one moment like I was breathing and concentrating my way through intense pain, and then the next five minutes feel completely fine and excited.

We left the apartment at around 3am and Isaac prayed as we drove away, and it was just... so crazy... knowing we were going to have a baby. In the car we timed another set of contractions and now they were just three and a half minutes apart. From that point it was a surreal whirlwind of everything we'd been told about in the childbirth class we took. Checking into the hospital, being led to a room, changing into the sexy hospital gown, being strapped to a heart monitor and contraction monitor, getting hooked up to an IV, having blood drawn (the bruise from that is taking as long to go away as my stitches are!).

The nurse checked me and said I was fully effaced and three centimeters dilated. She asked me if I wanted an epidural and I said yes, but not yet, though the contractions were certainly getting intense and I was having to really work to focus and breath through them. She came back a little later and sat down and seemed very concerned as she asked me if I really wanted an epidural, because some girls come in and don't want one but are afraid to say so (really?). I reassured her that I did but that I didn't want it to slow down labor so I thought I might wait until I was further along. She then reassured me that I must have amazing genes because while an epidural might slow down some women's labor that is already taking awhile, or labor that is dilating but not at all effaced, I was progressing at a very fast pace and nothing was going to stop me. I told her that would be thanks to my mom, who had me (her first) two and half hours after going into labor.

So I agreed to go ahead with an epidural. I've dreaded the process of getting it, since it's injected into your back and you have to lean over into a funny position to get it. It was, indeed, unpleasant, just like the contractions and having my blood drawn, but while all of them were unpleasant, as long as I know it's all for a purpose and it'll end and I can hold Isaac's hand, I was okay. The epidural took effect quickly, and when I let them know I could still mildly feel contractions on my right side, I was turned a little to my right to let the meds drain over there. Soon I was numb all over, couldn't feel the contractions at all, even when they checked me again and I was seven cm dilated. When my mom arrived we were calmly watching tv and she (6 natural deliveries) couldn't believe how different it all was with an epidural!

Isaac and I both briefly napped and my mom watched the contraction monitor with an eagle eye, and eventually it got so that I could feel when I was having a contraction, not because of the pain but because I could feel definite pressure down below. I thought that the baby's head must be really low, and when the doctor arrived and checked me out he confirmed that and said, "It's time to push!" (at which point Isaac teared up, but he doesn't remember this. :)

Pushing was intense. I know some people still feel pain while pushing, even with an epidural, but I didn't. Just major pressure, and major effort and strain from me. I think that the one down side of the epidural from my perspective in this delivery is that it made it difficult to know exactly how/where to bear down. I had a nurse on one side and Isaac on the other and was holding my breath and straining with all my might when they told me to, but it wasn't until the doc inserted something down there and I could actually feel where he was doing that that I knew a little better how to focus my pushing. So - pushing was exhausting but not painful. Isaac says I pushed for 30 minutes.

The doctor started to get concerned because each time I would push the baby's heart rate would drop dramatically, and they'd have to give me some space after each intense push to get the heart rate back up. They put me on oxygen for his sake, and started to just get a little more tense about making this go fast. The doctor was not my doctor, just the doctor on call, and he was hilarious and ADD and sometimes almost inappropriate! It was sort of perfect for a birth situation though - his jokes and intensity were motivating. One weird thing is that all leading up to the pushing they kept checking to see if my water had broken and they were never sure. I'd never noticed it breaking and they said that it could still be intact, but if so it was stretched so tight that they could barely feel it.  No one ever commented on it, and when little Judah did slip out he came with very dry hands and feet and cheeks, so it does seem like pretty much all the amniotic fluid was reabsorbed into the body and there was almost no water to break.

In any case, as the doctor's concern about the baby's heart rate grew, he began using a little suction and then finally gave me an episiotomy (of which I was totally unaware, but Isaac watched.. ahhh... for some reason the idea of being cut open down there is the weirdest part of it all for me. I still shudder when I think about it), and Judah slipped right out after the doctor reached in and pulled the cord out from around his neck, and my mom cut the cord. That moment when this wailing baby was lifted up after 30 minutes of intense pushing.... realizing that little baby that I can now SEE was mine, my child... I burst into tears there and was unaware of the rest of the labor and messiness as they cleaned me up - I just cried as I watched across the room while they cleaned him up, and as they handed him to Isaac, who brought him to me, and I took him and wondered at his swollen little eyes and squishy little face (which swells during labor). Those moments, caught on camera by my mom, were amazing. Amazing to share with Isaac, to experience... it was really indescribable.

Whew.... all in all, I'd labored about 9 hours from beginning to end, and it seemed fast and relatively easy. The nurses let me have Judah for an hour, and Isaac and I and Mom and Matt all got to hold him, and I got some skin to skin contact and experimented to see if he'd latch on and try eating... and he did! He's been a great eater the whole time, with minimal soreness or complications on my part.

After an hour they took him to do all the tests, etc. that they do, and they wheeled me to recovery, which is really what I suppose I was semi-unprepared for. I knew labor was intense, but the first I really understood about recovery was in the childbirth class we took. It's crazy how much bleeding there is, and I can't imagine what it's like for women who give birth at a birthing center and go home four hours later. I so appreciated those nurses helping me with trips to the bathroom, which were terrifying at first. I blacked out on the first trip, and I carried a fever for 12 hours until they put me on antibiotics. And it turns out you treat stitches and your healing body for several weeks...

Regardless, despite the fact that my midsection felt like dead weight for two days, I felt great otherwise and just eagerly awaited Judah's arrival in my room. The next two days were a whirlwind of doctors, nurses, tests and exams, visits, and paperwork. There was such wonder in each time Isaac and I sat there and looked at the face of our son and attempted to memorize the little features and expressions.

 

Dear Peanut - Welcome to the World

Last week I read this post on the Chase After the Wind blog in which she talks about her visceral reaction to listening to Sara Groves song Child of Love while holding her new baby. I read it and meant to listen to the song but got busy and left the window open on my computer for days. Now... days later, it turns out I ended up listening to it with my new baby boy in my arms, and I sat there with tears streaming down my cheeks.

The fact that Jesus is the Savior of the world and God incarnate makes Him, of course, a very different baby than mine. But still. He was a baby. Mary is a mother. She held him as I hold Judah. That is a mystery that I feel keenly with all the emotions of new motherhood.

"Child of wonder, close your eyes, rest here in my arms tonight."

Oh the wonder of a tiny human being, a package that somehow I have joined with God in creating and growing, and now he sleeps and eats in MY arms...

Precious miracle of life, child of love, Gift of hope, the gift of light, From the Father above, And You were made for all mankind, But You will always be mine, child of love

The miracle of life is powerful to me these days, and I can't even put into words how precious and perfect I think my baby is. It's really... overwhelming and inexpressible. And he also was made with a purpose outside of me and my life - he's made to grow and leave and live. And yet (and I haven't yet been able to say or write this without tears), he's always my son, and nothing will change that.


My son.

My baby.


......
Yes, he's here! Contractions started just after midnight on his due date, so he's punctual. We're home from the hospital and settling in, and I have much to write about. Mostly, though, I wanted to capture some of the emotion I have such trouble expressing as I wonder at the baby I hold. I later tried to express to Isaac what I felt while listening to the song and ended up in tears again... with him in tears too. It's amazing, this parenthood thing.

Notes from my week

Ahh... what a week it's been.

I assumed that I'd be like my mom and deliver early, but here we are just a few days from my due date and I'm still plugging along. There's been days that I felt uncomfortable, overwhelmed, tired, and just so ready for this baby to come. Those moment are discouraging. On the other hand, it's been a really fun week in some ways.

- Mom and Matt flew in the day before Thanksgiving, which means we got to have Thanksgiving with family! It was a humble affair, but hey, I cooked Thanksgiving dinner 9 months pregnant, and I'm dang proud of myself. I brined and roasted a chicken (because I don't really like turkey and they're huge) and that was a successful experiment. We also had rolls, mashed potatoes, homemade gravy, sweet potato casserole, roasted parsnips, leeks (that's Isaac's request - weird), apple pie, and chocolate pecan pie. Considering it was my first time hosting a holiday meal, it was fun!

- On Thanksgiving as I was preparing our meal I got a long-distance call from my dear friend Rachel in England (one of my maids of honor) announcing her engagement! It was so fun to hear the story and her excitement and to join with her in that voice-to-voice! That means that (finances pending) we'll head to England in the early summer for a wedding, and I've never been to England in the summer!

- Having Mom and Matt here means family time and sharing just a little bit of this pregnancy with them. Matt and Isaac played soccer together, we went on walks, went out for a birthday brunch with friends, and chatted with family across the world via skype. Matt has been pretty matter-of-fact about this pregnancy thing for the most part, but he did get to feel little baby hiccups the other day. The highlight was my Dr. appt today, though, when the little guy kept squirming away from the heartbeat monitor and so we were sent to get a sonogram instead. This meant Matt got to see the little face, spine, and heart, and hear the heartbeat. He was elated. His eyes got big and he had a huge smile on his face as he watched the monitor, and when we left the doctor's office he was literally jumping up and down with excitement. I guess it really made it feel real to him! Super cute and very special for me to see him so excited!

- My birthday gift from my parents was a memory foam mattress topper - something I've wanted for over a year. It's amazing. Now when I get in bed I sink into bed, and I wake up with much less pregnancy soreness.

- Christmas lights! They're up. I love them. I love driving and walking around them.

- This week was a week of intense meetings at work that I had honestly hoped I would miss out on. While I would, of course, much rather be home with a new baby, it has been great to actually have something to do during the day instead of just twiddle my thumbs and count the minutes wondering when the little man will get here. I love feeling involved, useful, and able to contribute to a group goal. AND having catering for meetings has meant I've been able to bring home leftovers the whole week rather than cook or meal plan. Sweet.

- I'm reading Soul Survivor by Philip Yancey and loving it. Seriously. Loving it. Will write about it when I'm finished.

- It's Advent. I'm still catching on to the whole liturgical year thing, and this year it's interesting thinking about preparing for the coming of Christ as we prepare for and anxiously await the coming of our own child. I've been meditating on what I can learn from that, and specifically what it means that Christ is coming. He has come and He will come again, but He is also coming now, in and to us. What does this mean in my life?