1. Putting snacks on a loose high chair tray has devolved into treating it essentially like a dog bowl. Kibbles and bits or cheerios, does it make a difference? .... just shake some in and watch him toddle over and scarf it down. Refill when it's been empty for a while.
2. When we eat, he circles our feet begging for scraps.
3. When things do fall on the ground, it's guaranteed that he will clean up after us later.
3. When I open the door, he runs over and tries desperately to climb up me.
4. We are responsible to clean up his poop.
5. Drool.
6. We take him to a park to let him run around.
7. He destroys the furniture. And carpet. And eats books. And generally causes chaos.
8. He chases other animals, sometimes causing them to cower in corners.
Well, I have no single profound thought, so it is a Friday morning for rambling.
1. I have apparently developed an allergy to benzoyl peroxide (which is in half the facial cleansing products out there). A couple of weeks ago I dug out an old cream that had bp in it. I was fine until about six hours later, when it felt like the room in which I was in a meeting was heating up. My co-worker said it felt that way to her too (turns out her problem was a hot flash). I didn't realize till almost the end of the day when I went to the restroom that my face was bright red! It itched and swelled all evening, so I threw away the cream thinking it might have gone bad. Yesterday I bought a tube of clean & clear stuff, the same stuff I used all through college. I used a little bit last night and this morning it's the same thing - bright red, swollen, and itchy face. And that is why I'm at home on a Friday morning, taking a half sick day.
2. While we're on the subject of toiletry and beauty products, I've discovered (by creating a budget for my discretionary personal spending within our overall budget) that what I spend first and want more of the most is makeup/beauty products (granted, my monthly budget for them is minuscule). Curses on you, Clare (just kidding, clearly I love it)! I've taken to doing my nails again because of a pinterest tip that led me to believe I could get longer-lasting polish. I've used high quality nail polishes like Essie and OPI without success, but this time I bought the proper base coat and top coat, and with that even my cheaper drug store polishes last longer. And so... my nails are growing for the first time ages.
3. We have this really random housing option that just popped up for us. When our lease runs out at the end of May we might be able to live in a back house someone owns up in McKinney. This would be amazing in some ways, mostly financial. It would be, however, a good distance from where we live now, which would make my commute longer and make it harder to see friends. Hmm... Pondering this. We'll get to see the place tomorrow. Some really big pros and some cons that make me hesitate. Anyone in McKinney want to comment on what it's like to live up there?
4. Since I'm home this morning I let Isaac sleep in so I got full Judah duty this morning, and he was adorable. I love it when I get in on these happy play times when he wanders around chatting to himself in baby talk and then coming back and grinning at me. But then there are those moments when he's a grouchy, clingy mess. On Monday he dissolved into absolute wailing while we were at community group. I know he was tired, but it was unusual. It's always rough to be away from the house with a baby, because we're so reliant on the option of just putting a grumpy/sleepy/disobedient boy in his pack-n-play to sleep or reset. Without it, things can go downhill unexpectedly fast, but with it the days are generally a breeze. And that need to be near home and the sleeping routine is what makes so many stay-at-homes feel claustrophobicly stuck at home
5. Last night (after missing a baby shower because the same need to have the baby at home) I started Catching Fire, second in the Hunger Games trilogy. So excited. So excited for the movie too! It's true that there isn't a lot of depth to the books, but they are a really good story.
I spent the weekend at a high school youth retreat.
A high school youth retreat at a mega-church is something that still throws me into culture shock, even though this was my fourth one. It's kind of insane. As in, in this group they write and film their own comedy sketches that are most of the time actually brilliant, so brilliant that the guy that headed that initiative up now is up at Chicago's Second City.
As in, the Saturday night late-night fun is filled with massive bounce houses, karaoke, the fat-suit sumo wrestling outfits, etc.
As in, Jason Castro and the Dallas Maverick's Maniaacs showed up unexpectedly (not at the same time!). I had no idea who the Maniaacs were, but you really never know what's coming next so when portly middle-aged men got on stage I was just ready to see what would happen next. I wasn't even surprised when they started dancing around in torn t-shirts. My jaw DID drop when they started throwing out beaded necklaces to kids that were going nuts in the audience, and I was just hoping the kids had no idea what the connotation of that is!
So funny. The good thing is that the group now reflects a little more diversity than the north Dallas bubble sometimes does. I just try not to think what my Papuan friends would think of all the things these kids get to experience on a youth retreat, and remember that within the culture here in North Dallas, this is the norm. Actually, it's even a striking contrast from my own life to theirs, mine in a small one-bedroom apartment and an old car with a belt that squeals when I start it up. Theirs, the children of successful business people in a successful city, currently living the privilege their parents have worked for.
And some things are universal. My girls are Juniors so they are dating, the guys groups follow them like puppies (or the reverse, just depends on the day!), there are emotions flying everywhere, lots of angst, lots of love, and lots of fun. I mean.... even when it's rough, high school is also incredibly fun, this testing of each experience as a new thing.
We made a grocery store run for chips and dip and fruit gushers at midnight, I introduced them to boba tea and jenga, and we had some great talks. We drove around in my car, which is older than they are (what?!), and which they think is amazing because they've never experienced a car that does not auto lock and unlock. They'd never had to manually roll their windows up and down!
The photo on the left was taken three years ago. My crowd of girls has decreased since I started with this group, but I've learned a lot in those years. I know them now, and they know me, and I have the credit earned by investing years into their lives. They've grown up so that what they talk about now is real life stuff that is stage 1 in independent life choices. They're a little less like girls and more like women. I have one year left before they're off to college, and I'm struck with just how quickly all of this is going. I'm still pondering some of our conversations from the weekend, still thinking of each of them and what they're currently wrestling with.
This insight into the hearts of young girls? It is a privilege.
2. Songs: (currently)
Who Are We Fooling - Brooke Fraser
Infamous Love Song - Over The Rhine
Wonder of Wonder, Miracles of Miracles - Fiddler on the Roof
And I Thought I Loved You Then - Brad Paisley
3. Movies
The Story of Us
The Way We Were
On Golden Pond
In America
While You Were Sleeping (my choice sappy romance flick)
4. Places
Rocky Mountains
Chicago
Bali
Newport Beach, CA
5. Couples
Cliff and Clare Huxtable
Coach Eric Taylor and Tami Taylor
Wall-E and Eva
Anne and Gilbert
(this completely cracked me up - a music video of the Civil War's "Poison & Wine" set to Anne of Green Gables scenes!)
What to add? Where do you think I'm crazy? It was interesting doing this, because so many of the romances in my favorite books and movies are at least dysfunctional or at most tragedies (see Story of Us and all the books I didn't list for this very reason!). I googled some "best romances" in the books category and most of them were either dysfunctional, tragedies, or completely lame.
One of the things I never expected is that I hate, HATE putting my kid in childcare at church. Okay, it's finally getting to be acceptable, but it's been a long haul that I never expected. When Judah was born my mother-in-law asked if we would take him to the nursery at church. Of course. Why wouldn't we? I wasn't at all afraid of germs or of the workers not being careful.
I've internally battled with the nursery every week. Judah has hated it. He cries big crocodile tears, the kind with the little gasping sobs - the kind he never ever cries at home. It took about 8 months for him to get through a service without them having to call me to come and get him because they couldn't calm him. Because I just knew he was in there crying, I'd sit in the service, unable to concentrate, longing to rescue him, wanting to cry myself. Then I'd sit in the foyer, watching on the screen and snuggling him or letting him wander around happily. We'd try the nursery again for a week, and then it'd be back to the foyer.
Like Lisa, I didn't expect my infant's cry to physically grip me so I felt I absolutely had to get him, hold him, snuggle him, make sure he was okay. That faded as he grew up and Judah communicates differently, but especially when he was a newborn it was amazing the pull of that little cry.
I didn't expect the anxiety that I now know is normal for new moms. Those first few days I was plagued by the thoughts - is he breathing? Is he okay? What if (insert any random irrational fear) happens? Those also calmed down over time, but it's true, there is this super sense of inability to control and protect.
I didn't expect to have a kiddo with fine blond hair!
I didn't expect to currently enjoy an equal role with Isaac as the "fun" parent. I roar and chase Judah around the apartment as he squeals with delight. It's fantastic.I'm absolutely positive that I will later be the boring parent, so I relish it while it lasts.
I didn't expect to have my kid sleep in our room for most of his first year of life. That hasn't really been a choice, though. It's forced by our fiscal situation, in which we have a tiny one-bedroom apartment and in the toss up of whether we have him in the living room interrupting our evenings together or in the bedroom interrupting our lat nights, our leisurely talk time won priority.
First of all, happy Saturday morning from Judah and I.
I've saved these links for too long, it's time to share them!
Kelle from Enjoying the Small Things wrote a post called Joan of Arc. She has a beautiful girl with Downs Syndrome and I absolutely love the way she writes about and photographs little Nella, who is the age I vividly remember my (now 17 year old!) brother Matt. In this post Kelle talked about how she responds to someone who tells her that it's all great to talk about raising a kid with Downs Syndrome when she's small, because it's going to get so much harder. Kelle said:
Here's the thing--this person is completely right in the fact that it's
going to get worse--more hardship, far more difficult challenges than,
say, occupational therapy. My opposition to the comment really has
nothing to do with Down syndrome.... The problem I have with it is the theory that happiness and perspective
and grabbing life by the balls is somehow discredited if challenges are
still ahead. ...You think
I don't know what's ahead? You think I don't have moments where I put
myself there--ten years from now, thirty years from now, fifty years
from now? You know what statistics say?
I know damn well it's a hard, hard road and there will be tears. But I
trudge forward. Like Joan of freaking Arc, and I embrace the challenges
and choose to be happy. Knock me down, Waves. I'll get back up. I do
cartwheels, okay? In my driveway. Sometimes in my nightgown. And I will
never stop trying to live life this way. There is reason for everyone to be unhappy. There is reason for everyone to be happy. What's your focus?
You should read the post. Her photos are always stunning. And... it's true that things get more challenging. It's also true that my brother Matt is still awesome and that joy bubbles out of my family.
Sarah Bessey (formerly Emerging Mummy) always writes beautifully about her practices of Mothering, but she opened the floor and had everyone write and link up, and the response was incredible. She's featuring some of the best now.
Lisa McKay has been telling the harrowing story of her baby son and a broken leg while living overseas far from quality medical care. Totally my worst nightmare, and she's just gone through it. The post I'm linking to, though, is from before that incident and it's called 24 things that have surprised me about motherhood, which is both true and hilarious. For instance, "I never thought I'd.....Understand why the manufacturers felt it necessary to print the
following warning label on pacifier packaging: “Warning: Do not tie
pacifier around a child’s neck as it presents a strangulation danger”."
The Center for New Testament Manuscripts may have discovered the oldest New Testament fragment yet - first century. It's incredible, if it ends up being legit.
Eric Metaxes, author of Bonhoeffer (best selling this year!) gave a little message at the National Prayer Breakfast last week and he knocked out of the park. He had the audience rolling, gently poked fun at Obama, and spoke truth in a brilliant combination of bold and subtle. Watch it. 35 minutes into this video.
We hook up the laptop to the speakers and set it all up behind the sink. I pull out our dish drainer, lay out the towels, and gather the baby dishes scattered throughout the living room. You run the hot water and the pomegranate dish soap. The Office or Downton Abbey entertains while you wash, methodically, more dishes than we really need to wash because you hate the dishwasher and say it doesn't clean well enough. By your side I dry and put away and then while you scrub the pans, I pick up toys.
This season is the first time in our marriage we've done the dishes together at night like this. At first we fought over household duties and then we solved that by assigning who was in charge of what, and I've been the dishwasher for ages now. You're the laundry guy because you're obsessive about how clothes are folded and if I was in charge of it you'd do it all over again anyways when I was done. For years we've been playing this tag team game, splitting up the duties at home while I worked full-time and you went through Seminary and worked part-time.
And then we had a baby, and when you have a baby the evangelical church expects mama to stay home and daddy to work. Whoops. In fact, since you graduated in December, we're not even playing tag team anymore. Oddly (for a guy that leans complementarian) you are currently a stay-at-home dad. I spend my days in meetings and in Outlook calendars and filing and running budgets and spreadsheets. You chase around a baby, make toddler-acceptable meals, put the books back on the shelf again, prep dinner, enjoy the giggles and calm the crying. It's what we have to do for now and I find myself over-explaining to people when they ask and yet....
I love this is a stage that we're doing. I love that you aren't humiliated by being at home, because this tells me that you will honor and respect me when I am the one at home. It signals that it is not less of a respectable thing, this caring for your home and family. I love that you are fully involved in parenting and Judah knows you just as much as he knows me, that you know how to change diapers and warm bottles and keep a grocery list and whip up lunch from nothing. I love that you are man enough to not feel personally challenged when your wife brings home the paycheck for a while, because you know you're capable and I'm capable and who makes the money isn't the point anyways.
Of course I wish I was home more, and I ache for more hours with Judah while he grows. You wish you were teaching, using the gifts and training you have. But if it was the other way around..... or rather when it's the other way around, I will ache to work and you will ache for the time with Judah. So for now, while we wait for things to unfold, this is how we do it, and it works, and we both gain and we both sacrifice.
It's not your dream or my dream, it's ours. We want to play our part in the mission of God in the world, and in this crazy journey of moving forward in that goal we keep swapping roles and and chores, and it's unconventional but all okay.
And that's how we came to tonight, washing dishes together, side by side.
This evening as Isaac worked on ESL with Dal Mang, I tried to corral Judah and play with the twin Burmese girls Elizabeth and Mary.
The mother, Niang, doesn't speak English and so is often in their bedroom while the rest of us are interacting in the living room. Judah loves to run in and wander around, but I try to avoid it because I don't feel free to walk into their bedroom in order to get him out of trouble and she doesn't feel free to set boundaries for the little blond kid. But yet again Judah escaped while I was busy elsewhere and disappeared around the door.
We were packing up to leave so I went after him, rounding the corner into their closet where Niang sat in her sarong, surrounded by her two girls and photos strewn everywhere. She had a box in front of her and was clearly taking the photos out and looking at them. Her two girls were also entranced.
I picked up Judah and we packed up and said goodbye, but as we walked out I wanted to cry for her. How many years did I do that? I would open my box of photos, my scrapbook, my folder on my computer, and look over photo after photo, longing for the people and places and time where I was at home. Niang is homesick today. She's pregnant and has two year old twins, and she lives in a one bedroom apartment in a concrete jungle in the winter. They live on her husband's job as a dishwasher. It's not exactly bright and shiny right now, though they are such sweet and happy people.
And she, like me, doesn't even really have a home. She's lived in multiple places, the people she grew up with are now scattered around the world as refugees, and they aren't able to go "home" to their own culture. Here in Dallas among other refugees is pretty good, but here she doesn't know the culture or the language yet.
I think next week along with the roach spray we promised, I will bring some of my photos, and maybe that will inspire them to bring out theirs, and we can swap stories of goodbyes and home and living in Southeast Asia.
Leviticus 19: 33-34.
“When an alien resides with you in your land, you shall not oppress the alien. The alien
who resides with you shall be to you as the citizen among you; you shall love the alien as
yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt: I am the Lord your God”.
Watching:
Jumped on the bandwagon and am watching Downton Abbey. It's a BBC drama that's gained lots of popularity in the US, and it's right up my alley.
Isaac and I got this Lost box set a year ago, and we've been rewatching Lost all year. We're finishing it now and are about to start what I'm really excited about - the special features. I'm hoping that hearing the director's commentary will give a little bit more satisfaction with the way the last season went.
We watched Midnight in Paris (Woody Allen is SO quirky) and the last two Planet of the Apes movies, which were acceptable to both Isaac and I, which is always a good thing!
Listening:
I cleared my ipod of almost all Brad Paisley and Selah for the first time since college. I'm just tired of them. In their place, my constant fallback artists that I always want to hear are Josh Garrels and Mumford & Sons. This month I'm also moved to tears by Gungor all over again.
Reading:
I read a book called The Disobedient Girl by Ru Freeman, the story of two different women in Bangladesh. It was a stunning combination of a real women's story and a bit of a mystery. The two stories were very separate and it took me about halfway through the book to get a clue to how they'd be connected at all. It might appear to be a bit of a feminist book, but I'd say it's more about human rights and equality, as it deals to the social problems of servant hood and caste as well as women and sexuality. It was good.... but tragic. Seems I always like truly tragic stories. Maybe because they often reflect reality?
Also read Twenty Chickens for a Saddle by Robyn Scott, which is a fantastic memoir of a girl that grew up in Africa in a quirky family. If you like memoirs and multicultural literature, it's highly recommended.
Now I'm picking up a book I never got around to reading in undergrad - Psychology, Theology, and Spirituality by Mark McMinn. I've been sold on the philosophy of integration, and I don't need to read any more on that way of thinking about Christianity and psychology. However, I DO look forward to reading the practical side of the this book, that examines various counseling practices in light of a philosophy of integration. Yay.
Eating:
I've been attempting to try a pinterest recipe once a week. This week it was Roasted Tomatoes with Shrimp and Feta, and it was delicious AND healthy. And because I hardly have time to make desserts and extras, I gave up on making my own desserts the last couple of weeks and instead made Ghirardelli brownie mix, which is by the way the very best boxed brownie mix. Isaac was in awe and has been begging me to make it again.
Doing:
Isaac and I have taken up walking together as soon as I get home from work in the second half of the week and over the weekend. We're committed in the evenings for the first half of the week, but it's so nice to get to Thursday and head outside. There's a big apartment complex across the street from ours that has a big stream, pond, and walking path that runs through it. We walk it and then stop in a field and kick a soccer ball around while Judah delightedly walks in circles, exclaiming over his ability to get around in the grass. So great. And also amazing because so far winter just totally skipped Dallas, and it's 70 degrees out.
Feeling:
Oh man, so content. With Isaac out of classes, my burden is so eased because he's carrying more of a load around the apartment. and I'm not juggling both a full-time job and full house-running duties. The future is still uncertain, but at present I love raising my son, I feel so thankful for a loving, humbly-serving husband, I have a great job, dear friends, and I am familiar and stable in this place. It's an odd (and so predictable) thing to feel so settled just before potentially leaving, but I am at peace with that strange dynamic. I know we must go because to stay is to give comfort a priority above obedience. If I chose to mourn and be afraid, I would lose the peace I enjoy right now.
And so, since so many people have been doing "What I'm Into" posts, write your own and link up here!
Elizabeth Esther has a Saturday Evening Post feature in which we all link to our favorite post of the month.
It was actually a hard one. I talked politics, mothering, circumcision, and marriage. The one that got the most attention, though, was "I'm Afraid of Going Home".
I grew up overseas and I may be moving back. I'm incredibly excited but also afraid.... and I wrote about it.
You know, I'm not one for making a dramatic bucket list. I'm not particularly ambitious or competitive. I rarely make goals for the year because I figure... why put so much pressure on a year? Things happen over time. Different things at different times. And I've been given so many chances to do amazing things because I grew up overseas.
However, it struck me the other day while reading a friends blog that this stage of life will fly by. It's a stage where we're working, parenting, moving, and just busy. And so if there are things that I do want to achieve or experience in this stage, I should be intentional about it or I'll lose the chance.
With that in mind, this is my first draft of my:
Before I'm 35 Bucket List
- Road trip the Southeast of the US. Never been to most of it, and since we live down in the area, it is time!
- Become an experienced bread maker. Right now I can make it, but it intimidates me so much that I never do. There is nothing like the smell of bread baking. - Have a kid
- Start my graduate counseling degree (or something in a very related field).
- Attend a mainstream concert by an artist I love.
- Visit Europe (Germany, Italy, Switzerland, Spain - any will do, but one of the above must be included)
- Attempt to pick up drawing again. If this fails, give it up completely for good.
- Create a detailed family tree while the grandparents are still alive to give input.
- Acquire sewing machine. Actually use said sewing machine - Do something dramatic with my hair
- Learn to cook a really good roast.
- Teach my children to read and then institute family reading time in the classics.
- Have a high school reunion in some way, shape, or form, somewhere in the world.
- Spend a weekend with Isaac back at the beautiful bed and breakfast where we spent half our honeymoon.
- Discover a short list of (real) drinks I know I love.
I've been sitting on this, thinking of everything I could add, so it's time to just hit publish and edit as time goes on!
I grew up between cultures on the islands of Indonesia and in the mountains of Papua. I gained another home in the amazing city of Chicago during my college years, and there I met and married my husband. I have a love/hate relationship with our current city of residence - Dallas. I am a cynic, a believer, a writer, a thinker, and a global nomad. I love glimpses into the lives of others, and that is what has drawn me to blog.
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